Justin

Burnout motorists hoping for Road Rash-style brawls or at least a new excuse to revisit Paradise City may be disappointed to hear that the latest update from Criterion doesn’t add much content. I know, I know - it’s hard to complain when its free. But that doesn’t change the fact that the bikes and especially the day/night cycles are rubbish.

When I think Burnout, I picture cars moving at blistering speeds and trading paint. The charm of the series is the emphasis on reckless, destructive driving. So why then are all of the offline* challenges time trials? Totally asinine. And why are the bike crashes so anemic? I’m not looking for grotesque displays of carnage, but there’s something satisfying about the slow-motion car crunches that are the series’ trademark. When I smash my bike into the side of the bus, it’s very jarring to see it suddenly pop onto the screen unscathed immediately afterwards.

And the less said about night racing, the better. I want to know who at Criterion thought it would be a good idea to actually reduce visibility in a game that’s already too cluttered. The streets are lined with light posts, but none of them were programmed to function; Paradise City apparently suffers through blackouts every night. Luckily, the night skies can be turned off in the options menu, but they could have given the game a different ambiance if implemented better.

*I don’t have access to the online mode right now, but I can’t imagine that bikes would radically alter head-to-head races.

Since the last time I posted…

• Classes are going well but I already have a ton of work. I have a technology beat for my reporting class, which means I may have a chance to interview the folks at the Champaign-based company Volition (Red Faction, Saint’s Row). I’m also taking Graphics & Design, which focuses on “alternative story formatting” - think graphs and sidebars. The editing software is going to require some practice, but I’m excited to develop a layout skill set. (I’m also aware of the irony of discussing effective formatting while completely misusing bullets).
• I’m so relieved that the Coens are still able to make movies like “Burn After Reading.” It’s been so long since they produced a funny comedy, but my faith has been restored. Pfarrer’s basement project and the J.K. Simmons’ briefings were the standout moments, but it’s the little background details that make BAR so special. Chad’s “intimidation” tactics, “Coming up Daisy,” even the Putin portrait in the Russian embassy…while I think comparisons to “Big Lebowski” are misleading, BAR is just as packed with comic touches.
• Yakuza 2 is worth your time if you were a fan of the original, but I wish the story would just stick to the pulpy mob war stuff. One minute, Kazuma’s chasing down leads on the Goda family, the next he’s doing a part-time bit as a male host or trying to turn his adopted daughter into a pop idol. Just bizarre. Look for a review “this week.”
• I’m really bad at staying on schedule, so disregard any of the promises I made last time. If you’re really curious about what I’m up to, I guess you can consult my twitter. I already feel like a tool, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to stop updating.

Looming deadlines, exhaustive reading assignments, and late night study sessions - it’s all rushing back to me now. Though I’m completely overwhelmed by the size of the Champaign Urbana campus and back to square one on the social front, it feels good to be a student again. I’m sure this sentiment will change in a few short weeks when I’m downing (heavily caffeinated) Dews and stalling out on my lead paragraphs, but right now the “professional journalist” title seems within my grasp. I’m just one “intensive” year away.

The bad news is that this fast track comes at a price. If I learned one thing from last week’s orientation, it’s that I’m going to have very little time for recreation. Couple that with the discovery that my dormitory internet connection is tenuous at best (though this probably will change as the semester progresses), and it should come as little surprise that I will need to drastically decrease my involvement in The Rumble Pack Podcast. Believe me, this is a hard sacrifice to make, but my perpetual loafing had to come to an end at some point. That doesn’t mean I’ll be leaving the show completely. Right now, we’re considering pre-recorded addresses or rants to tag to the end of our shows (think Andy Rooney of “60 Minutes,” except maybe even more crotchety), and you can check back here for weekly blog posts every Monday and reviews every Tuesday Saturday.

Again, I’m sorry to disappoint my co-hosts and our listeners, but the academics always need to come first. Maybe if I’m lucky, the workload won’t be as bad as advertised, but I’m not leaving anything open to chance. Stay patient…I will be back in full capacity soon enough.

Just know that 1) this week’s shirt features a huge spoiler! 2) the statute of limitations is up when mine arrives in the mail.

On an unrelated note, the third season of “The Venture Bros.” was incredible. I know some fans have been displeased with the mythology-heavy episodes, but I think they brought the show that much closer to the parody/homage nirvana that Edgar Wright and crew reached with “Hot Fuzz” and “Shaun of the Dead.” Though we saw shades of this last year, I think the Monarch’s arc and the exploration of O.S.I./Guild origins demonstrate that Venture creators Jackson Publick and Doc Hammer have truly embraced adventure cartoon conventions. We’re now getting real stories instead of just the occasional nods to Johnny Quest saddled between endless Star War references and bodily-fluid humor of the first season. The action in season 3 was truly riveting.

Plus, even if you’re not an animation nerd, how can you not love Sergeant Hatred leading Hank’s “Christmas presents” into battle?

It is time to make amends. When you listen to episode 55 this week, you will unfortunately hear my co-hosts ridiculing me for purchasing Elefunk, Sony’s pachyderm-infused civil engineering crash course (selling for a paltry five bucks). Unfortunately, I was only a few stages into the game, and thus unprepared to counter their baseless ridicule. That, and the game is really frustrating for the first hour or so. However, now that I’ve warmed up to this PSN sleeper, I thought I’d help provide the tutorial that the developers mysteriously forgot to include. Hopefully these quick (admittedly common sense) tips will make up for the outright dismissal of Elefunk on this week’s podcast.

1. Pay attention to your happy accidents - Some of the principles you discover early on will be used frequently throughout the later stages. Be sure to keep track of what works and what doesn’t.

2. Put the bulk of the weight against the walls of the chasm - Watching your bridges collapse in on themselves can be maddening, but you can alleviate some of the burden by taking the weight out from under the center and moving it to the ends. Triangular pieces work wonders here (think arches).

Nothing a history major can’t handle!

3. You’re not supposed to use all of the pieces! - Each utilized piece will deduct points from your final score, but you’ll have bigger problems if you use everything at your disposal. Remember, heavy bridges can barely support themselves, let alone three hulking elephants.

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And we have no idea what to expect! It seems ironic that a show about ad men has had almost no advertising. Sure, we’ve seen commercials, and maybe even a trailer somewhere along the way, but all of these spots have been comprised of entirely season 1 clips. All we know is that the premiere will be set two years later (1962), and that Matthew Weiner didn’t even want us to find out that much. This is a stark change from the last show he was involved with, The Sopranos. When the mafioso soap opera was still on the air, we were teased each week with fist fights, gun fire, and promises of betrayal and murder. David Chase had a gift for winding up his audience, and while I came to appreciate the frequently anti-climatic nature of his show, I much prefer Weiner’s “less is more” approach. It’s nice to be surprised every now and then. I absolutely have no idea what to expect tonight (I’m especially curious to see what Peggy does about her “weight problem”), but I look forward to finding out.

Make sure you tune in tonight at 10 PM Eastern!

Wow, a couple months back and not a single blog entry. Pretty shameful, I know.

Word on the street is that since my return to America, most of my old haunts in China have been demolished in preparation for the Beijing Olympics. The old noodle shop, the local hospital, even my urine-soaked place of employment have all been torn down to somehow encourage “tourism.” Shijiazhuang, who are you trying to fool? If you’ve kept up with my blog, you’ll remember that there’s not much to see here besides a couple mountains and the occasional rock market. However, though I cannot say that I was attached to the city, it does make me sad that when I return someday to visit my Chinese friends, most of the familiar sights will be gone. When I got on the train bound for Xi’an, it was like leaving a poorly-constructed, cockroach-infested sandcastle by the shore overnight (yeah, not so hot on the analogies). No doubt that bigger apartment buildings and shopping parks will spring up (literally) overnight, but I’ll no longer have any personal attachment to China’s 7th most polluted city.

I may have some more musings related to last year’s adventure in the coming days, especially with the Olympics coming up (Preview: I’m excited for the Chinese citizens but I believe giving the Olympics to the country was a political move and does not hold true to the supposed “spirit” of the games). For now, I’ll leave you with a few final photos of my brief stay in Xi’an. Sorry to be a bore…this is more for posterity’s sake.

 Everyone should know the guys behind me. Say hello to the Terracotta Warriors, built in honor of the first emperor of China. I’ve seen this hall in dozens of text books but mere photos cannot really do them justice.

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Starting on Sunday, I will be concluding my China experience with trips to Xian and Shanghai before flying back to the States at the end of next week. Since I’ll be going dark for the next week or so, I thought I’d post some pictures from a recent trip to Shijiazhuang’s Hanging Temple and a subsequent farewell dinner at the restaurant across the street from my apartment.

Fans of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon may be familiar with this temple…

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*Major “The Wire” spoilers towards the very end of this post…

Wow, what the hell happened? I had intended to follow up those stupid potion photos with something substantial shortly after, but somehow time just slipped through my fingers. I’m not saying that I don’t have a few valid excuses, but I do feel bad for letting so many days pass by.

Tokyo: I have never appreciated clean air so much. After spending half a year under the smoggy blanket of Shijiazhuang, it was so refreshing to be able to see the sky again. My lungs almost had trouble adjusting to Tokyo’s comparably pristine air. On the ground, things were just as immaculate. Though I had trouble finding trashcans anywhere besides convenient marts, there was hardly any trash in the streets. The recycling program is also far beyond what I had encountered before - even in fast food restaurants, patrons have to separate their plastic straws and lids from the rest of their garbage. Of course, the Japanese use tons of packing material in lieu of mass quantities of preservatives, so I would imagine there are trade offs.

Stuffed poop inside a U.F.O. crane game - almost worth the 100 yen admission…

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